What if nobody wants me? — The emotional roller-coaster of a job search

The last two years has been very odd in more ways than one. Curbs to our freedoms have sometimes resulted in new opportunities, with working from home often meaning less travelling time and more time with the family. Some people placed on furlough have had the free time they have always dreamed of, and been able to throw themselves fully into a new hobby. Others have just used the extra time they found they had. Chigs for example, took up baking and 18 months later made the Great British bake-off final.

However, one thing that has come up in many surveys is the feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes, with it, the need for stability. This has led some people to feel trapped in their jobs, where they feel unfulfilled, unhappy and sometimes even bullied and victimized. Hunting for a job is a difficult affair. It requires huge amounts of time, preparing applications and updating CVs, and at the height of the pandemic there were something like 200 applications for every job.

Once the application is sent off, the roller-coaster starts, with very little to fill in the void. The normal worries, did they get my application? was it good enough? is the job really available or will they give it to someone internally? can all haunt the job seeker. Just as despair is setting in, you might receive contact, a first interview. The relief and joy of “being chosen” can then be swiftly replaced by the anxiety of the interview. How much do I need to prepare, will it be on zoom or face-to-face? what if it clashes with a work obligation? You like the sound of the job, and decide to go all in, preparing for competency based training, researching the company, trying to find out about who will interview you and what they might be like as a person.

The interview goes well, you feel a connection, you manage to answer all the questions, and you start to think you have found the company you want to work for. You forget to ask about next steps, but you’re pretty sure they’ll call you back soon. The next day, you hear nothing. Still, they are probably interviewing other people. The following day you start to worry that it didn’t go quite as well as you expected. By day three you realise they don’t want you, and you toy with the idea of calling for feedback, but you don’t want to annoy them. You start looking for other jobs, which are all lower pay, or further away from where you live, or in a less interesting industry, or possibly all three. After all, if they didn’t want you, you had better lower your sights. You find it hard to concentrate on your current job, your heart is no longer in it.

The next day you get a call. Sorry they have taken so long to get back to you, there was a board meeting yesterday and the head of HR was away on holiday. They would love to see you for a second and final interview. Your heart soars. This is destiny, this is the job you were meant to have. The second interview is arranged, more just a chat with two of the senior management. You know they are keen, and you are perfect for this job, but you don’t want to mess it up now. You do more research, plan some questions for them, and you feel more prepared than you ever have done.

The interview is again online. You have tested everything, Zoom, Teams, your speakers, headphones and microphone. What you do if the internet is down (mobile hotspot), what to do if the computer audio lets you down, (there is a dial in conference call number). You dress smartly, check your background, you don’t want to blur in case it looks like you’re hiding something. Go for something neutral, a cream wall should do. The lighting works, not too dark, not too dazzling. Ready to go!

The interview goes well. They compliment your experience and share some stories about their challenges. You know you can help. They are really friendly. They share the next steps, looking to finalise this week. They outline pay and terms to check you are happy. Finally, you are about to land your dream job. They mention they are interviewing other candidates, but should get back to you in a day or two, by the end of the week at the latest. You hang up, and start thinking about your notice period, whether you want a week off in between jobs. Your current job has no appeal, you’ll be leaving soon anyway.

You don’t hear anything the next day, but that’s to be expected. The day after you start to feel a bit disappointed. The roller coaster from the first interview starts to loom. You were really worried then, too, but it all turned out all right. You start to feel that swishy feeling in your gut and a nagging feeling you messed up somehow. By day 4, you know you haven’t got the job. If they were keen, they would have been back to you by now. You could be interviewing elsewhere. But the job is such a perfect match, and your experience is great, and all the interviews went sooo well. Maybe they are just waiting for HR to put the offer together.

The next week is spent in a mix of anxiety, hope and despondency. Eventually you send an email, convinced you have not got it. You just want you be put out of your misery. You receive a prompt reply. It is apologetic but perfunctory. It is taking longer than expected. They will let you know by the end of the week. You begin to suspect they have offered someone else the job, but are waiting till they accept before they let you know. You knew it was too good to be true. Without closure, you still feel sparks of hope. What if I was the second-choice candidate and the other person turns the job down? That could still be the case.

Deep down you know this isn’t true, the company is interesting, the people are nice, the pay is good, there is opportunity for growth. Who would turn that down? A week later you get another email, thanking you for your interest. The team really enjoyed meeting you, but another candidate is a better overall fit. They wish you all the best, and are sure you will be successful in your search. More sure than you are, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” your brain screams. “I’ll NEVER get another job, I’m STUCK here FOR EVER”. You feel trapped, you are behind in your work, and feeling less motivated than ever. You would call in sick, but it’s easier just to keep working.

The emotional investment and pain is immense, and you are right back where you started, less motivated than ever, but feeling you’ll never get a job.

But that’s not true. This is one job out of thousands. You were good enough to get a first interview, and a second. They invested quite a lot of time in you. The market is difficult, and you still came close.

At times like this you have to focus on the positives. Make a list of all the jobs you have got, thinking about the competition for each. Look at your interview prep, all those examples of things you have done, delivered, people you have helped, problems you have solved, crises you have averted.

There will be other opportunities, and you may spend 5 or 10 years in your next job. In that context it’s worth investing the time. Sure, you have had a knockback, but focus on the positives. In the job market there is no second prize (even in the Olympics there are 2nd and 3rd prizes), but that doesn’t mean you have failed, or you are a failure. You succeeded in the application. You succeeded in the first round. You came close in the final. Next time — or the time after that — you will succeed, and victory will feel all the sweeter for having gone through this experience.

Top 5 job seeking tips

· Think about what you would really like to do. Rather than browsing jobs and guessing what you might like, design your dream job, and then go and look for it in the market

· Only apply for jobs you want to do. While it may feel nice to be offered a job even if you turn it down, you are just wasting your time and everyone else’s.

· Prepare for competency-based interview questions — “Give me an example of a time when you…” Not only will this make you feel better prepared for the interview, it will remind you of all the great things you have achieved in your current and past jobs.

· Remember it is a two-way process. You may end up working in the job for years, make sure you address all your key questions BEFORE you accept, so you can make sure this opportunity is right for you.

· And finally, keep going! There are always opportunities out there, and always companies looking for good, motivated people. If you know what your strengths and interests are, you will find a company where you will be an asset, and you will be able to enjoy work, and meaningfully contribute, which is what we are all after.